A not-so child-like faith.

“And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, ‘Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.’”  -Matthew 18:2-4, English Standard Version (ESV)

A child-like faith. If you’ve attended a traditional church for a while, than I’ll bet you’ve heard the phrase a few times before. Throughout my attendence to a parochial school, my confirmation into the Lutheran church, and even a handful of times during my college days, I’ve heard the phrase defined as “not thinking about the questsions and the unencouraging words of doubters and enemies of the faith, but simply believing, because the Bible tells us so.”

I grew up with a child-like faith because of the way it was taught to me. Questioning, I was told, was “unhealthy.” God was God, the Bible was the Bible, and that’s the way things were supposed to be. To have a “strong” faith, I thought, was to perfect this way of simply accepting truth. But as I moved on with my life and continued to read the Bible, I found this was just unfulfilling.

If we don’t question and challenge the Bible and wrestle with its truth…if we don’t educatively answer the questions who is God? why do I believe in Him? why do I beleive the Bible? what does God’s love really mean to me?, than on what foundation does our faith stand on? And what will happen when someone approaches us with one of those questions?

Realistically, a child-like faith would have been feasible in small-town America a hundred years ago, when information was hardly readily available to citizens. But we live in a different world now– a world where everyone is readily exposed to information and ideas and forced to find their own conclusions on things.

To conclude my seemingly unorganized train of thought, I can’t encourage you more to intentionally question and examine your entire faith, because when you question and examine it, you’ll probably find answers– answers that you want to have, answers you don’t want to have, things you need to clarify, and of course, more questions. But it’s through this (knowing the answers you have concluded from the Bible) that you build yourself a strong foundation for your faith. There’s nothing child-like about that, and if you look at the verse near the top, you’ll find Jesus isn’t necessarily talking about having faith like a child more than He is praising the humble, honest, innocent, curious qualities of the child looking at Him, his father.

Once More, With Meaning.

Have you ever had one of those days where you didn’t want to do anything? Have you ever made a mistake because you never wanted to put forth the effort to make the right decision? Have you ever found yourself insisting your actions weren’t your intention?

What really was your intention? I know I’ve quite commonly been unsure of my intentions, unable to define them, and lately, that’s something I’ve been awfully uncomfortable with. It seems like any inconsistancy or stupid mistake I make in my life is “unintentional” on my part.

It’s difficult to live completely intentionally. But I’m convicted enough to try.

A Summer, After the Fact.

I’m sitting in my comfy office chair, alone in my room. I don’t really want to do anything. There are actually quite a few important things I need to get done, but I’ve crawled into my bed and slept a few times today, apathetic. Seeing the special people I cherish here in Austin has meant the world to me– I just have to deal with this natural withdrawal from being on stage 24/7 around the country!

I’ve learned so much over the past three months, and after having so much time to finally reflect on and articulate what actually impacted me so much, there were a couple of things I began to appreciate most from my adventurous, torturous, amazing-ous summer…besides sleep!

This summer broke me. I realized I needed so much help, from God and from friends and from the people around me…I experienced the beauty of the support and love of the people I love most, and looking back, I honestly think the encouragement and ability to discuss each other’s feelings openly with people is what truly drove me onward this summer.

The biggest thing that hit me, though, is the realization of how my standards for myself had apathetically declined from those God has set for me. Throughout camp, I was shocked to discover myself having no problems with falling short of the attitude and morality God desires for me to have. I mean, I loved God and loved Jesus and his ways, and yet I lacked any real conviction to make them happen. I realized this at a Bible study back in Austin; we discussed the way we’ve become so conditioned to some of the things God doesn’t want his people doing that they just don’t seem wrong anymore– or maybe we recognize that they’re sinful, but do them anyway, letting grace cover them. A lot of these sins are small and almost petty: talking bad about people, not helping people, not respecting others, stretching our morals to accommodate more and more acts God doesn’t want his people doing for their own good. But I’ve realized these are all things I should be more aware of, and that my standard shouldn’t be stretching to accommodate things God doesn’t want me doing– that’s a scary thought I’m not okay with.

In light of this, this summer showed me the man I want to be– the man who isn’t lazy enough to compromise his morals, who is convicted to please God with the love and acts he wills for us to show others, to respect himself and not let himself be tainted by carrying out selfish and lustful desires. If I could accomplish this standard of living, I would never have to worry about my confidence or integrity being compromised. I’m already on my way of working on this, but it does require a lot of reversing and awareness of what I’m doing…and I’ve been a little tired lately, so coffee helps a lot, and Starbuck’s is helping too with its $2 after 2pm deal. But more seriously, this is what I want for myself, and the summer and this massive readjusting of my fast-changing life in Austin is helping me realize what I need to change and motivating me to carry it out.

So thank you, summer, for putting me into inconceivable situations that help me see more of myself! Even if I didn’t see it right away. And thank you for leading me to do crazy things involving Miley Cyrus and cowboy costumes and 1am Wal-Mart runs…

Macaroni Salad.

I went to Plymouth United Church of Christ’s Saturday night church service last week in Des Moines and ate macaroni salad during the service. Like, really. We all did, even though not everyone experienced the joys of macaroni salad. PUCC’s Saturday service is actually a pot luck: members of the church whip up lasagna, queso, Hamburger Helper, a variety of indistinguishable casseroles, and pies made out of nearly every type of fruit for each service—and you can eat during the offering, the sermon…I suppose if you weren’t that great of a singer, you could even take bites of your pie in sequence with the beat of “How Great is Our God.”

What’s most amazing about all of this, though, is the remarkably relaxed and raw atmosphere of the service. Instead of sitting in pews and doing my best to not make any sudden movements or noises no matter how dull or inspirational the message was, I found myself sitting in a (for lack of a more conventional term) chill environment of Christ followers at round tables, resting casually in chairs, listening to the Word of God while having no reservations to share a thought with the person next to me or sneak a bite of my banana crème pie. I actually felt guilty about this throughout the beginning of the service, but the environment and churchgoers were so friendly and laid back that I began to feel completely comfortable.

In church.

PUCC helped me clarify my desire to escape the stained glass masquerade. It helped me remember how tired I am with the muffled coughs, crowded coffee stations, feel-good sermons, comfortable “proclaim Jesus in here but don’t be pressured to take Him outside this parking lot” attitudes, and Neiman Marcus perfume of the traditional church. I now more than ever believe that there’s a more authentic faith Jesus is calling us to share together—a more authentic community where honesty, love, and the desire to show the love of Christ to the world is the beating heart of what brings believers together. That’s what I want, and I think that’s what many, many other people want too. During prayer time at PUCC, the woman pastor (HOORAY!) candidly asked the congregation if there’s anything sucky going on in anyone’s lives that needed to be lifted up, and it was totally cool to answer and not feel ashamed by it, recognizing that we’re all crappy, ugly people anyways—something completely outside of the stained glass masquerade. The admission of our own (to emphasize the point) shit is powerful in a community because it allows us to own up to our mistakes and proceed to heal and be built up; as The Ragamuffin Gospel says, “Even if we could live a life with no conflict suffering, or mistakes, it would be a shallow existence. The Christian with depth is the person who’s failed and who has learned to live with it.”

The point? It’s time for church to become real, authentic, raw, unpaved. It’s time for us to be honest with ourselves. It’s time for us to show and experience the love of Jesus outside of the box the traditional church has created for us. It’s then when we’ll discover the true beauty of being children of God.

The Sometimes Kind of Life

It must have started with Eden. The nonsense and abstracities (new word invention!) of life—they must have began there. I just saw a Grinnell play titled Children of Eden; the drama chronicled what transpired after creation and the fall of man, and all of the difficult, logical and illogical choices man was forced to make because of it.

Maybe it was Eve’s curiosity (and Adam’s chosen ignorance?) and her search for answers that spurred my thoughts on the mystery of life. Perhaps it was her decision to eat the fruit that made me realize how easy it is to fall (and how easy it is to crave apples…). Perhaps it was Noah’s seemingly incomprehensible motivation to finish the Ark that made me feel weak, and maybe it was his son Japheth’s steadfast love for his lover that made me want to be strong. Sometimes I wonder why my thoughts wander so much. Sometimes I wonder too much, and sometimes I wonder too little. Sometimes I even manage to see how much of a sometimes kind of life we’ve been born into.

Sometimes it’s easy to say how we feel, and sometimes our stomachs knot up when we’re scared of what the truth could bring. Sometimes we know what we want, and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we run around having fun in the sun. Sometimes we appreciate a person so much that we don’t tell them because we’re afraid to freak them out or scare them away. Sometimes we take risks, and sometimes those risks end up hurting us. Sometimes we get sunburned. Sometimes our hair looks damn good. Sometimes too much of a good thing is a bad thing—but sometimes it’s a good thing, and sometimes we just like to think that. Sometimes we just want to get away, and sometimes we just don’t want to leave. Sometimes we’re forced to make choices we don’t want to make. Sometimes we manage to do something right, and sometimes it seems like we can’t do anything right. Sometimes there’s nice flowers to stop and look at. Sometimes we find pennies on the sidewalk. Sometimes we accidentally do something we never wanted to do, and sometimes we develop the discernment to avoid it. Sometimes our ice cream cone drips on our feet. Sometimes we feel close to God, and sometimes He feels far away.

This journey God’s put us on—life—is never short of joy and pain. Sometimes it makes sense, and sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes I feel like writing a blog that doesn’t make much sense on its own about it. I suppose what I’m getting at is this: these bizarre challenges and inevitable pains of life are all umbrellad (another word invention?) by God’s love for us. If we choose to see this love—and if we choose to draw on the strength and hope it gives us, not holding to our own—it is then when these challenges get a little easier, the pains seem a bit number, and it is then when we find joy in walking, skipping, dancing, and falling down this rocky, smooth path he’s laid out for us.

Sometimes.

There’s Life Outside the Sandbox.

What if there was more to life than statuses and norms? What if you took a step outside the box and sang in the elevator, dressed like a pirate, or put a little splash of cornflower blue in your hair? What if you didn’t have to worry about what other people thought, but could have the freedom of expressing yourself in whatever way made you happy? Would life be more enjoyable? Would it be more fun?

A few days ago I actually did dress like a pirate. It was one of my good friend’s birthday; she had told me back in August that her childhood dream was to be kidnapped by pirates on her birthday. I had put a reminder in my cell phone eight months ahead of time so I’d remember to kidnap her, and when the day came, I decided it would be more exciting to dress like a pirate for the entire day. That morning, I dressed up as a pirate and came to school, completely pirate-like with a headband, eyepatch, shells and beads, and rolled up pants…the works…and for me, it was an immense amount of fun. My step out on a limb caught incredible amounts of glances from folks around campus, including some that asked “what on earth are you doing?,” some that pretended like everything was normal, some that acknowledged my obscurity and moved on, some that were illuminated with excitement, but reluctant to show desire to do the same and take such an uncomfortable step out and dress like a naughty sailor of the seas.

My point is this: things like this aren’t normal. What I did was not something many people at all would venture to do, and it makes me wonder: what are we missing? When I look at life, I see many things: happy times, sad times, difficult times, easy times, pains, hurts, joys, sorrows, smooth straightaways and sharp curves…but it’s when I consider these things that I realize even more how beautiful life is. God’s put us on an amazing journey…all of us. That journey’s not going to be easy. But if the road of life was straight, flat, and without cliffs or forests, it just wouldn’t be very exciting (and it would look a whole lot like Kansas!). It’s the bends and curves and blindspots that make the journey more exhilerating, and it’s when we accidentally hit the potholes when we can laugh the most (if we don’t hit our heads too hard on the ceiling!).

Are you breathing? Good. Because you’re still on this crazy road of life. Buckle up and enjoy the ride, because the God’s never going to stop keeping you guessing, and you might as well enjoy the suspense. Live like you’re not afraid to love. Love like you know it’s the greatest thing in the world, because it is. Have fun. Dress like a pirate…even if you don’t have a good reason to. Keep people guessing, because life’s more fun that way. Step outside of the sandbox, because then you’ll have the whole playground to play on (and swings too!)! Appreciate God’s love for you, because no matter how terrible or wonderful you sing in the elevator, He’s going to love it anyway. Wear yellow sunglasses, because yellow’s just more exciting. And never lose sight of the hope God’s given us all.

Take the road less traveled by. It isn’t normal, it isn’t comfortable, and it falls far short of the status quo…but it makes all the difference. It’s just more fun that way!

Because sidewalks don’t have to be boring either. ^